YourMiniCon 2016 – Con Story
It was a stormy night, as the famous World War I flying ace cruised through the sky. Captain Canada knew it was his only chance to stop the evil care bears who have been stealing the souls of all the earth.
Children who did good deeds for evil reasons. There was also cake.However, the cake was a LIE! It is not that cake, itself, is precisely false instead, it is that in the process of transforming from the Platonic from of a recipe to a consumable physical form, it is no longer a truthful representation of one’s intentions. This was the reality that Captain Canada was facing.
As Captain Canada pondered this question, who should enter the bar, but sir Fix the Darkness. He ordered himself a beer while at the bar, and then made his way over to where the Captain was sitting.
“How is your day goin?” he asked, sipping his drink.
“I have a frosting headache,” he said. “Too much rainbowchip…really love that stuff. Dunkaroos, man…those were the best. I often enjoyed them after reading.”
Then the phone rang and she answered it. She was told that Dunkaroos and the cake was a lie. However, the cake turned out to be the only lie. The dunkaroos were real and they were great.
A long long time, ago, in a galaxy, far far away, there was a young an dupcoming director named George Lucas. George Lucas had a great idea for a space fantasy story he called STAR WARS. At first, his idea seemed stupid. But with the help of others, he managed to create one of the greatest film series in the entire world.
After the success of STAR WARS, Lucas decided to collaborate with Steven Spielberg to create a new film series called INDIANA JONES. This franchise was about an archaeologist named Indiana Jones. This franchise was also successful.
After Indiana Jones was a hit, Lucas decided to create a whole new Star Wars trilogy. This trilogy absolutely sucked. I mean… It &$*@ing sucked !*@*# @&$!%. That’s how bad it sucked. THE PHANTOM MENACE was so godawful. I wanted to get on the screen and choke Jar-Jar Binks to death. “But meesa funny,” says Jar-Jar. “Shut up.” I tell him. And if you thought that was bad, George Lucas decided to make a fourth Indiana Jones move entitled Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Shia LeBeouf was in this movie why? Why? WTF was going on with that refrigerator scene?
I was so glad that JJ Abrams and Mickey Mouse saved Star Wars. The moral of this story is to remember how great Mickey Mouse has blessed us.
ALL HAIL THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB HOUSE.
It’s time to clear the room, before the darkness descends. The darkness doesn’t like the company. It’s a thing that hates the light, and things that live therein.
Yeah, well, tough $%&@ for the darkness. Are you a writer? Can you make a book? I never really knew why the darkness and the light had such a strained relationship.
Everyone knows that sort of faux-wisdom that states that light cannot exist without darkness – maybe it’s resentful of the relationship – something like a cosmic arranged marriage.
I resolved, in that moment, to bust darkness out.
The rain poured down in sheets, driving people to run inside for safety.
THEN, I THE GREAT PAPYRUS, HAVE PULLED THE STRING NOOODLES NECESSARY TO STOP THE TERRIBLE DOWNPOUR FROM TERRORIZING THE CITIZENS OF THE SURFACE. THIS MEANS ALL WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY SPAGHETTI AND FRIENDSHIP IN PEACE. NYEH HEH HEH HEH.
“Stop!” cried the friendly bystander. I will not have your terror in this city. There are few horrors that eclipse that of undercooked al dente pasta. “The only solution,” this unapostrophe’d speaker declared, “was a city-wide appropriation of boiling water.” Tea-drinkers everywhere cowered. Fire burned in every room.
“AHHH” the Smurfs screamed.
Alas, the frame to our little story was ending. The window was closing. The doors of narrative were open but a crack. And as this end came to an end, we pull back, into the room in which all stories are held.
We will find another world to share, another create, another to experience, of being gods to the world and peasants in the face of the narrative.